I’m lying awake at 4am because my mind has told me I’ve reached my sleep allowance for the night, or at least it’s reached what it’s used to. This past week has passed by painfully slow amidst the little milestones in our lives with each day.
Stephen turned 30 on Monday. I know a lot of people would say that 30 is not a big deal. But to me it is. I turned 30 in March alone postpartum and spent it with 3 little ones while Stephen was away. I don’t fret the lack of celebration, but in my heart, I do feel a little cheated that life at that moment was the way it was because of our circumstances. Stephen was able to be home with his family and I threw him a surprise birthday party which I felt was a big success with only one minor hiccup which was completely beyond our control. It’s something we get to look back on and remember forever-the good and bad. At 30, we’ve own two homes and have 3 kids. I’m established in my career while Stephen is closer to graduating from medical school. These are certainly things to be proud of.
During my first work break of the day yesterday (Friday), Stephen received an email from Des Peres Hospital in St. Louis where we hoped he would be accepted for residency. He was nervous to read this anxiously awaited email…not that we expected anything to begin with. Sadly, he was told that he was not ranked in the top. They said it was possible, but not probable that the would get into their program. But, he is being ranked and that he can still rank them as well. So the chance is still there, but it is not great. Disappointment has reached us many times since he began this journey. I’ve watched him struggle month after month trying to find ways to be home during his rotations and most months, he is not successful and we find more and more people who are unwilling to accommodate or try to sympathize with our situation. While it was a let down, we are glad to have received some word that will make things more realistic to plan since we can rule one place out and see a clearer picture of what the future may be like. We have 5 months until graduation and I can’t wait for this time to pass.
A coworker asked me today (or technically yesterday), if I have a problem with depression because I had mentioned a few things which made him think that my self worth seemed very low. I answered no….but it’s true that my self worth is low. Work has been very emotionally taxing as it is less about comfort and more about numbers in the big corporate world. I feel that I’ve become devalued as a vital member of a team. It’s also easier to feel that way when I don’t leave the house to see coworkers on a daily basis as my office is one door down the hallway from my bedroom. I’ve been unhappy with work but I think most people are right now from all the conversations I’ve had with coworkers.
So on top of all these thoughts, there’s Liam: our little 10 and a half month fireball who uses me as a human pacifier. I have not had a full night of uninterrupted rest in over a year and a half since I got pregnant with him. Between potty training Evan (while I was pregnant) and being pregnant and nursing him nightly, I get no more than 3 or 4 hours do sleep at a time if I’m lucky. Most nights, Liam seems to stir almost every hour and in sheer desperation to get him to settle back in and for more sleep, I’ve allowed him to use me as a pacifier. Three nights ago, we decided to put that to an end. He has consistently woken up every hour frustrated and confused as to why I’m not nurturing him in the same consistent manner I have been for the past 10 months. Sorry baby, I need my sleep and so do you. Since I’m laying here writing, I guess my thoughts include a bit of hope. I’m encouraged that it is getting better to console him with each waking. He isn’t crying or whining as long but maybe it will be a struggle again at 5am as it was the first two nights we did this. I’m looking forward to a full nights rest in the near future for all of us.
I’m mainly awake because I’m anxious. An issue with a family member came up shortly after Noah’s birthday in October and Stephen and I have tried to avoid it in our attempts to move on and block it all out. But, the time has come for us to face it and I can’t picture a beginning or an end. I don’t know how to start a conversation that encompasses so much frustration and hurt. And I don’t know how a conflict that began with our marriage can truly be resolved with another talk as we’ve already had a few in the past 10 years. This too shall pass, they say. I hope and know that statement is true….but they never tack on the dooming statement that it will return with a matter of differing perceptions and opinions or acceptance of our ever evolving lives. We do hope to be respected for how we choose to live our lives and how we choose to spend our time, but that’s so hard sometimes when the world around you imposes itself on what it thinks should happen. It’s an act of God to keep Stephen home during these rotations and an act of God to get them scheduled at all. It’s frustrating to handle the spontaneity of family functions and even the planned ones.
I need rest. Physically, mentally, spiritually. Yes….even spiritually. I know I’ve said before that I find myself in limbo about it. And here is one example why: It makes me angry when people on Facebook claim to be spiritual leaders and warriors in their faith, but they show no Christianity in their hearts to see true hurts or to reach out. They are what seems to me to be the most self righteous, most self entitled, and most disappointing people I know – especially where they think using that title would give them a thumbs up. Because truly…when I read and witness that most are attention seekers who only put themselves first (not God)….it’s a total thumbs down from me. Hypocrites don’t get any scoring points from me. I deal with enough BS in my life to see right through you….so don’t pretend to be my friend by liking the pictures of the cookies I post. Simply like my picture without being pretentious and for your honesty, I would truly be grateful. There’s my frustration with social media. That’s a tangent for you.
To all our faithful readers…pray for us and with us. I’m hoping Liam will begin sleeping through the night soon. That Christmas will pass with joyful ease. That match day will come and we will be happy with the outcome and that life will get easier.